Doulas and a Negative Outcome

Shared By: Sonja Kohlman

What is the role of a doula?  It is a question I get asked many times from prospective clients and curious acquaintances alike.  A question I continuously ask of myself.  What do I do?  My pat answer is that I provide emotional support and suggestions for comfort measures to women and their partners during the birth process. 

But what I really do is act as a companion to couples and sometimes individuals during one of the most sacred moments in the human family, a moment that is as common place and mundane as it is life-altering.  As a companion, I act as a witness without judgment to the incredible events and the accompanying emotions.  My “job” is to stay present to the feelings felt by labouring women and their partners.  Feelings such as excitement, joy, and fear, a gamut of emotions that is different for each situation. 

The expectation of new life surrounds the birth experience.  But sometimes things go wrong, what we euphemistically call a negative outcome.   The expectation of birth is suddenly met instead with the shock of death either of the baby or even more rarely, the mother.

What do I do?  What is the role of the doula?  What I have come to grips with is that my role doesn’t change.  I am a companion still.  And it is my role to stay present to the feelings and emotions of those suffering a loss.  Another’s grief is unfathomable.  It is not a doula’s role to understand.  Another’s pain is immeasurable.  It is not a doula’s role to console.  A doula listens deeply, a doula acknowledges the suffering, a doula stands as a witness to another’s pain.  It is in this way that a doula contributes to the healing process.

Labouring to be a doula

shared by: Sonja Kohlman

Doula work is a call to serve.  We choose to become doulas out of a desire to serve our communities and individuals.  But to choose to serve means more than simply offering support or help.  To choose to serve is also a responsibility to not burden those we serve with our own needs.

As human beings, we all have personal needs such as to feel important, to feel connected to others, to feel valued and so on.  But to succeed as doulas and to fulfill the true meaning of service, we must not allow our needs to interfere with helping women achieve their birth and post partum goals.  How we accomplish this is to undertake our own emotional work.

Emotional work is about self reflection and self honesty.  Through emotional work, we learn about ourselves and that is how we grow.  We recognize what our needs are and how we can fulfill them in a balanced and wholesome way.  And most importantly as doulas, through emotional work we keep our needs from interfering with those of our clients.  How you undertake your emotional work is highly personal and can mean talking with trusted colleagues, journaling, contemplation or even creative outlets like art.

The technical work, the coursework, the CEUs are vital to our education and provide the knowledge base to act as a labour companion.  The Doula Book by Klaus et al compels us to ask ourselves if we are suitable to doula work and we take into consideration lifestyle aspects like erratic and sometimes lengthy hours, middle of the night phone calls, and lack of a steady income.  But we cannot overlook that being involved in such significant life events such as the birth process and post partum family life entails a powerful duty to put our needs aside temporarily.   

It is imperative to consider the personal growth each one of us must undertake in order to grow as a doula.  Being honest with ourselves and recognizing our needs can sometimes make us feel uncomfortable and that it why it is such hard work.  Most of us are moved to become doulas by the desire to help labouring women and mothers with new babies.  We are called to serve.  In order to serve other women, we must put our needs aside and we can only put our needs aside if we are willing to engage in the difficult task of self examination.  As doulas, emotional work and personal growth are our hard work.  As doulas, this is how we labour.